20/10/11:Chilling in Naija

I like to think that I’m settling into Naija pretty well. Probably due to the fact that the weather is just as turbulent as the English, randomly interchanging between warm and toasty to some crazy-ass flood-inducing thunder/lightning storm within seconds. Many times I have been tempted to run outside and dance in the torrents of rain, but I’m afraid the people will think that I’m a mad woman, plus this place is so polluted and dirty I wouldn’t be surprised if the rain was acid and caused my face to melt away. My stay is bettered by the fact that I’m surrounded by lots of warm and loving family who take care of and entertain me whenever possible. I feel like the atmosphere is totally different here; even though I’m deeply loved by family in England we all give each other space and provide a more ‘calm love’ (if that makes sense) but here in Naija if you’re family everyone is so excited and overly happy, providing a kinda in-your-face love. I must say, I kinda like it, but it is best in small doses, I definitely couldn’t be dealing with too much ‘family’ at once.

I’ve been spending a lot of time chilling with my cousin and her family in the mainland (Magodo I think ) even though I’m staying in Ikoyi (on the Island). She’s so loving and generous I absolutely love her! Her and her husband have already taken me to a wedding and to watch ‘The return of Jennifa’ in the cinema. The wedding was …interesting, but one thing I must say is that I never want to have an open wedding in Lagos; if Gods will is for me to get married in Naija (which I doubt) then I am definitely going to make sure that their is a strict guest list, plus I’m gonna arrange security to deal with any uncivilized individuals who attempt to fight ferociously over food or chatter loudly over important speeches; both of which grown-ass adults were doing at the wedding I attended, Can u imagine?!! Seriously, I feel like respect is reciprocal and if you’re rude enough to be disrespecting me (the kind and beautiful bride who has been nice enough to invite you to such a prestigious event) on my wedding day then I think you deserve to be thrown out on your ass; even if it is old and fragile. Mmmmm maybe I should hire some Naija police, they would use the kind of unnecessary force that would make people think twice about their actions. OMG i 4got 2 say, some Naija police man actually stopped our car so that he could ogle my cousin and I, licking his lips and stating ” ooooooh you are too beautiful. Look just like twins” even though we look nothing alike!!! I must say that in Naija I get a lot of male attention; better than in England where the guys make you feel hideous and unworthy, however I haven’t seen any cute Naija guys yet so it’s just bloody pointless.

Anyhoo… Apart from the wedding the movie was really good. I didn’t really understand a lot of what was being said , and a large message on the bottom right side of the cinema screen saying ‘windows scan has detected viruses’ blocked a lot of the subtitles (kmt only in Naija) , but Jenifa’s fresh accent and less than impressive dance moves made it funny enough. All in all the cinema experience was amusing; especially since the screen blacked out at one point and then proceeded to show the windows media player page which it was being played from, so obviously this movie was being projected straight from someones laptop, furthermore many people felt it was appropriate to have loud and lengthy conversations on the phone during the movie. LMAO I’m learning to laugh at the many things in Naija that I would be outraged to see in England.

One area I’ve learnt to apply my care-free attitude is when buying food from fast food joints. I have no idea what it is, maybe some of these workers are illiterate, have learning difficulties or are just plain slow! because not once have I been to a place where my food was provided quickly and efficiently. Such was found when we went to KFC to simply order a bucket of original chicken and some chips. This simple order was repeated twice, thus we assumed the food provided was correct, however my cousin found herself returning to KFC and complaining, highlighting how our receipt says original chicken yet this slow individual had decided to give us a bucket of some random spicy chicken. According to a source such deception has been attempted many a times; with some cases where the employees have stooped so low as to hide the unpopular hot and spicy chicken amongst the original. My other experience was when I went to Chicken republic. My uncle clearly asked for 2 meat pies (in fact he repeated this twice), and in response the girl began to pack 2 moi moi, “meat pie!” he shouted loudly, she stared at him nonchalantly and continued to pack the moi moi “MEAT PIE, MEAT PIE, MEAT PIE, MEAT PIE” He shouted irritably. Surprised at his raised tone the girl looked at him dumbly, then back at the bag of moi moi, then at him again, finally slurring “Ohhhhh I thought you said Moi moi”. Back to the food she waddles, finally coming back with the meat pie. LORD HAVE MERCY! how can something so simple be so difficult?!!!

After I got back from Magodo my uncle who works for Total (an oil company) took me around Lagos; showing me the popular restaurants, sites and accommodation. One thing I must conclude is that Naija is dirty! and the roads are actually terrible!; forget about going to Chessington or Alton towers, drive on a Nigerian road and you will experience the most turbulent rollercoaster of your life. It just makes you think WTF are the government spending their money on?! It’s sad; Naija has so much potential and could be really successful if it could have the right people managing them at the top. Anyhoo my uncle took me to some fancy cocktail party at the hotel he was staying in, “Eko hotel”, some fancy place that his company pays for him to reside, and whilst I was rolling around in his humongous bed and eating the food his company had paid for I realized that this was definitely the kind of life I could see myself living 🙂 I’m sure the immoral women sitting in the lobby(who regularly wait to prostitute themselves to wealthy, fat, and perverted men) were thinking exactly the same thing.

The wealth of opportunities in Naija to make money external to an individuals salary make the place very attractive, however some major downers are the huge, and potentially life-threatening insects along with the lack of good-looking men. In regards to the former, I was forced to sleep inside of the study after being attacked by some bird-sized cockroaches in the bathroom and my bedroom, leaving me bewildered, uncomfortable, and slightly humiliated (sleeping on the floor and peeing in a bucket…). This experience makes me dread NYSC camp all the more; you think I will be able to fumigate my room? or maybe I could make a friend that would gladly kill any pest in my way. OMG and when I went for a jog with my aunt I was actually attacked by a bat, It’s like all of these creatures have escaped from hell! I don’t know how much longer I can take this.

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