Amazing

I am not perfect. Far from it. When you prayed for your Eve, I bet you didn’t expect that she would be like me. Kind of lazy, and Stubborn as a piece of meat that just won’t go down despite your relentless chewing. Sometimes I fight with you. For no good reason but to massage that ego of mine. That ego that yearns to dominate, laughs at the ludicrous concept of submissiveness, and rolls it’s eyes at the demand of an apology.

I’m difficult. I know. They’ve all told me that before. Right before they throw that last pitying look and wash their hands of me for the last time.

But not you. You’ve stayed. Endured. Encouraged. Thank you for loving me for me. For not dwelling on my flaws and pinpointing imperfections. For reminding me every day that I’m amazing, beautiful, incomparable. Today you held me, brushed my tears away with those soft warm lips and pressed your cheek against mine. “Even diamonds go through a process before they shine” you breathed, and then squeezed me, so tight. I didn’t want you to let go. I never want you to let go. You stun me with your generosity. The Christ-likeness in your mere humanity.  I love you. So grateful for you. So blessed by you.

You’re amazing. Man of mine you’re amazing. And every day I thank God for sending you my way.

She dated my dad

I am married with 3 kids and dearly love my wife, but recently I found out that my wife used to date my father who is now late. What makes things worse is that she had this affair with my dad whilst my parents were married and she was the reason why my mother divorced my father. My wife failed to inform me of any of this. Should I stay with her for the sake of our marriage and family or leave?

I’m in love with another man

Human beings are hedonistic creatures. Greedy to the core. We are always searching for ways to enhance something, whether it be are state of mind, wealth or appearance. But when is enough enough? When should we quit searching and be content with what we already have?

Love is something I’ve always said that I will never compromise on, but if you were in a long-term committed relationship with an amazing guy; someone that possessed all of the qualities that you have ever thought you wanted, and then you met another guy; someone that awakened things inside of you that you never knew existed, and possessed all of the qualities in a man that you have ever wanted and then some, would you leave your current partner? This good man that you have shared years of your life with, genuinely loves you and you love too, for this potentially great man that you also love and could have an amazing future with.

To be or not to be in a relationship

Confused and frustrated. Those 2 words best describe how I am feeling at this exact moment. I watched an episode of ‘Being Mary Jane’, a series that depicts the struggles of a Black American woman in her home, career and love life. To say that I am addicted would be an understatement. I am well and truly hooked; not only because I can identify with some of struggles that she faces as a young, single black woman, but the fact that it flags up some fundamental issues when it comes to relationships, ultimately leading you to puzzle over the question: Why do relationships have to be so complicated?

I have always been someone to love being in a relationship. I love the feeling of companionship that comes with it. The feeling of being loved wholeheartedly by someone, and giving that love back ten-fold, completely and selflessly. It is indescribable; fills your heart with so much joy that your chest can barely contain it. I know I definitely want to feel that way about somebody again. And I want it to be mutual and reciprocal, with them loving me with an equal or even greater intensity than I do them. But one thing I must admit is that, I’m scared. I am just so scared of being in a relationship. They are often romanticized, and society constantly makes you feel like if you are not in one then you are really missing out. This is understandable because they can be amazing! But at the same time they come with so much pressure, and it’s this pressure that I am not too sure I can stand.

Even before you start dating there is a slight pressure for you to be the sort of woman a man would want. With this in mind, I don’t mean drastically changing your appearance and pretending to be something that you completely are not, but I mean doing subtle things like spending 5 minutes scrutinizing a text because you don’t want to sound too forward, or give the impression that you are too available but at the same time too independent. People are always saying that you should never act like you are too interested, and that you should play a few games, make the guy chase you. It might sound silly but it seems most guys respond more positively to this sort of childish behaviour, which is sad because it leaves the down-to-earth, hopelessly romantic females contemplating acting like an indifferent diva just to gain the guys attention. Even in the most understated of ways, the idea of being in a relationship already changes who you are from the very beginning, so the question you really need to ask yourself is ‘Is it worth it?’

Right now I am going through a phase where I am not necessarily looking to be in a full blown relationship, but I am definitely keeping an eye out for that guy that I could possibly be in one with. Befriend him. Get to know him, and then possibly take it to that next level. But even the idea of ascending to that next level is scary. I definitely would not say that I am a commitment-phobe, but I believe that everybody should approach the idea of being in a relationship with caution. Why do I feel this way? Because relationships are hard work. Not only do you invest your time, emotions, money and sometimes your body, but you invest your hopes and dreams of the future. In my opinion, for me to do this I need to be completely sure that the man in question is worthy of all of this effort and that the relationship has long-term potential, and could potentially result in marriage.

I feel sad when I hear about women in dysfunctional relationships where the man abuses them mentally and physically, has affairs, and ultimately damages their self-esteem and feelings of self-worth. A lot of women enter into or stay in such relationships because they feel that the man is going to change, that they would never be able to find anything better, or they rationalize that maybe they are the problem and the reason for his bad behavior. Understandably, many women are determined to stick through their relationships even when the times are bad, and I mean really bad, but I think that it is important and healthy to take some time and evaluate your relationship, ask yourself some important questions: Is this the sort of man that I want to be in a relationship with? Do I like the person that I am turning out to be? Ultimately, if not then maybe this relationship is not and has never been right for you.

This piece isn’t to discourage people that want to enter into relationships, but it is just to encourage women to be patient and really take the time to think before you choose to make that man your official boyfriend or husband, before you become that desperate woman seeking advice to resolve endless relationship problems.

Take some time to consider these points if you are contemplating becoming his woman:

Make Sure You Know Yourself: I know that my future husband has to be godly, kind, and have the silliest sense of humor. Why? because that’s what makes me happy and something that I cannot do without. What must you have in a man? Do not settle for anything less.

Establish Yourself Spiritually: Religion can really guide you in terms of how to conduct yourself in a relationship; how to treat others and knowing how you should be treated. A godly woman knows her self-worth and the worth of others. Open up to him about your beliefs. A man that will respect you, is morally attuned to you, and strives to build a relationship with you with God at the forefront is definitely a keeper.

You Have To Be Emotionally Mature: Relationships are exhausting. You need to have that emotional maturity to be able to compromise, forgive and work through hard times. Bob Marley wisely said “The truth is everyone is going to hurt you. You just have to find the ones worth suffering for”, thus on entering into a relationship you should be prepared to face hard times, just make sure that without a doubt the man in question is worth it. It’s also important that you hold yourself in high esteem and have a healthy perception of yourself, so if you ever do have to walk away from a dysfunctional relationship or endure through difficult circumstances then your dignity is always intact.

Be Independent- It commands respect: It helps to enter into a relationship knowing that if you wanted to you could leave at your own accord. Strive for personal progression and successes, so that no man would ever be able to take you for granted or use his money or power as leverage. Let him know that you have your own friends, career and interests, and although he is an important part of your life, without him your world will keep on spinning, so he best work hard at staying in it.

Learn More About Him: I know sometimes it’s tempting to snatch that man off the market because he seems to have several of the traits countless women are looking for (e.g handsome, educated, wealthy, god-fearing etc). But really take that time to get to know him. Show him your strengths and weaknesses, and likewise evaluate his. If you can be completely free around him, joke with and confide in him like you’re best friends, then with time it may develop into something more. If he treats you like an invaluable treasure as your friend, then only God knows how amazing your relationship could be as lovers.

I want to leave you with this scenario in mind (taken from ‘Being Mary Jane’): A married woman is confronted by her husband’s mistress about their affair, although deeply hurt, in response she says “I am going to count my blessings that it wasn’t something much worse”. She knew that when she married this man she made a commitment, and whether rightly or not she was determined to fight for their relationship. What I am trying to communicate is that relationships are hard. I know that there is a lot of pressure for women to be in relationships, but we must be patient, take our time and make sure that he is the one.

Because once you are married or in a committed relationship you may have to endure some hardships you never contemplated in your wildest dreams. Just make sure that you are ready.

Man and wife

I stepped tentatively towards the hall opening, stumbling clumsily like a child taking her first steps. He stood beside me, strong and confident, holding my tense hands between his and making circular, soothing motions. Tunji had always been my knight in shining armour, and on this occasion he truly looked the part; adorned in a tailored blue suit that sculpted and moulded his body to perfection. With the slightest movement the material would heap and bulge over his sinewy arms and brawny legs, revealing the toned masculine frame hidden beneath. He was so effortlessly handsome, gorgeous even; with that broad chiselled jaw, full pink lips, and piercing brown eyes to die for. And to think, he was all mine. I had to bite my lip to the stifle the laugh threatening to escape. So many people had warned me; said he was too good looking to ever settle down, and that he was a notorious player with countless women and illegitimate children. There was a time in our relationship that I believed them, succumbed to the spiteful gossip of jealous onlookers because this man from my dreams was too good to be true. But he proved it, time and time again, that his love was real and never-ending. That his empathic declarations of “I love you” were a manifestation of how his heart melts when we share a gentle kiss, or bleeds whenever we fight.  

This gentle giant opened my eyes to the fullness of God’s love. He kissed away my tears, he prayed away my sorrows, and he showed me his rights when I showed him my wrongs. These serpents disguised in women’s guises were seated amongst the crowd, plastic smiles plastered thick with make-up, slim bodies adorned in the finest garments; wearing extravagant aso-ebi shipped from abroad and jewellery made from the purest gold. The brightness of their lipstick deceiving to the naked eye, as below lurked dark feelings of hatred, jealousy and deceit. 

With all this known I stepped forth boldly, unveiling myself to prying eyes. I was instantly overwhelmed by a sense of suffocation, as if being swallowed by a sea of unfamiliar faces. My pin pricked all over, sensitive to the hot glare from the lights that bore fiercely down. I itched from the sticky sweat seeping through my pores and the heated gazes of people, lots of people staring at me hungrily, expectedly as if awaiting some special performance that I, the bride, was to perform. But then he spoke, his voice reverberating deep tones that spread to the furthest corners and stroked the highest ceiling. It was a like a cool breeze washing over me; soothing and revitalizing, renewing me of all strength.

I lifted my eyes and glared at the crowd, defiantly, proudly. His voice humming in my ear and empowering my heart, reminding me that this union was unbreakable and eternal. From that moment on all I saw was light; dazzling smiles and shining eyes whirled around the room as we danced to the rhythm of our hearty laughter. We pranced and whirled and swayed and twirled with guests of all shapes and sizes, our bodies blending into a colourful blur and losing track of all time on the endless dance floor. 

I sat down, carefully stroking my thumb over the raw blisters that swelled on my feet.  The fullness of my belly and the marks on my body were proof of the amazing time that we’d had. Priceless memories that we would have forever. Looking up, I felt his heated gaze on mine.  His juicy lips contorted into an impish grin as he licked them slowly, seductively. He strode across the room, broad-shouldered and standing tall, like a warrior set on claiming his prize. Pulling me closer he whispered in a raw husky voice, scandalous tales of the night of forbidden pleasures that lay ahead.Image

The morning of the rest of my life

Sun rays trace around my room; hazy beams forcing their way through the slim silk curtains, whirling and swirling jubilantly, as if too rejoicing in the merriment of the day. My day. The one day in life that God has assigned for the joining of just me and him; That dark chocolate man whose bittersweet taste stains my tongue and possesses my mind to the point of no return. This very day my mind, body and soul will be joined with his, forever to be intertwined till death do us part.

I sink deeper beneath the soft sheets, tossing and turning in tune with my restless thoughts. The depth of such a commitment blows my mind, steals my breath, and even churns my stomach, yet I feel an overwhelming peace, as if this man is this missing piece in my puzzle.  Once those simple words ‘I do’ slip from my delicate lips, my life changes forever. My grip unconsciously tightens around the thickness of the duvet, drawing it closer for a final embrace. Its strokes feel like tender kisses from a wise and knowing friend, engulfing me in a wave of nostalgia; she was my place of solace, where I would come to unleash the plagues of my mind and in response she would emanate warmth, cradling me in her silken arms till all sadness slipped away and I was soothed into peaceful sleep.  Now she spoke, her voice smooth and reassuring, whispering promises of happiness and prosperity, unleashing me to step forth a new woman, ready to take hold of my future with both hands.

The sound of women laughing, singing and praising dances off the walls and into my room, growing so powerful that I can see the vibrations, frantically intermixing with the strobes of stray light. The joyous rhythm chases away all thoughts of doubt, spreading, surging, expanding till it fills the air, threatening to break free and alert the neighbours, birds and bees that my time has come. The singing and the clapping and the dancing and the tapping have my body a-floating, contorting to the rhythm of the beat.  The melodic sounds of Yoruba spill forth from their lips with ease and fluid motion, “Today is your wedding day” they sing, “praise the lord…”, and with that my heart begins to beat so fast that its soon somersaulting, flipping, dipping and skipping, overwhelmed with the happiness that is to come.

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Yes a thousand times over!

With all that I am there is no doubt in my mind that he is the one. My love, my lust, my friend, my enemy, my strength, my weakness, anything that can be he is, and fulfils completely. When he asked me to marry him I was speechless, so overwhelmed with emotion that I swayed on my feet, rocking back and forth like a weighty pendulum in the gentle breeze. It was as if this ring that he had slipped on my finger, transported me to the place of my dreams; us on our honeymoon, cocooned in caramel sand as we ducked and dived and ducked and dived, laughing and shrieking and shouting and screaming till our bodies collapsed on the ground, heaving with exertion and devoid of all energy. A playful smile had crept across my lips when he shook me, rousing me from my pensive state and reawakening my senses; all of a sudden I was all too aware of the rapid pounding of my heart and the heavy breathing of the handsome young man kneeling before me. His body trembled as his muscles tensed; worriedly, expectantly, bracing themselves for what could be a fatal blow.

“Yes”, I said. “Yes, Yes, a thousand times over Yes”. What started out as a gentle whisper culminated in a scream; a scream so loud it struck the air like lightening, ripping through the dark night in violent waves. His chocolate brown eyes widened in surprise, and then settled on mine in joyful recognition. The 29th January 2011. The day that I became Tunji’s wife.Image