Don’t get it twisted

This phrase tends to fight its way past my lips whenever a guy winds me up to the point of no return, saying something that has my eyes rolling and neck gyrating manically like a possessed voodoo Queen. I feel like this has been happening way too often. Not because this is my typical dramatic reaction to every dubious statement that’s thrown my way, but because lately I have been drowning in so much crap, this being the verbal trash spewing forth from the lips of that otherworldly species known as men. I find myself regularly dousing my face in splashes of cold water, as if confirmation that the crap I had just heard was real. I mean, did he really just say that to me? And is this really what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life? A lifetime of biting my tongue as he says and does the most unreasonable of things?

Sitting at the café, watching the passers-by swarm around us, I decided that I had agreed to this date for 2 reasons:

1) To size up this handsome guy sitting across from me. He was casually rocking some pastel-coloured chinos and a salmon V-neck. Good dress sense, check, plus he seemed attentive. His chocolate brown eyes steadfastly remained on mine throughout the conversation. They didn’t even stray when that petite Jamaican chick with the disproportionately large ass swaggered past, though I noticed she swayed significantly slower to give him a good eye full. Keep it moving hoe! But definitely big check

2) To reveal to him a little bit about myself. Just enough for him to get a good idea of our compatibility but holding back just enough to leave him with that tinge of curiosity; that yearning to run home and scan the web for the destination of our next hook up.

30 minutes into our conversation and I was pleased. The hot chocolate danced in my belly, spurring a warming sensation that sprouted up and out, culminating in a pleasant tingle at the tips of my fingers. I looked at them, wondering if this was a sign from God, spurring me on to touch the hands of my fated husband? Ok, maybe a bit far-fetched, but that pleasant feeling had me feeling mighty daring so I decided to go with it. 45 minutes into the conversation, I am gazing into his eyes, my fingers snugly intertwined between his and my mind deeply engrossed in our conversation.  I am mesmerized by his intellect. The way his words slid of his tongue so effortlessly, giving me a glimpse into his limitless knowledge. Hidden between the facts were a few hopeful statements where he talked about settling down and starting a family. I had to look away; the intensity of his gaze as he said those things made my cheeks flushed. I didn’t want to hint that at that exact moment in time I was feeling exactly what he was feeling; that we potentially could be a match made in heaven.

Oh how that heaven swiftly turned to hell when I decided to ask him a few questions. Find out if this man and I were really meant to be. His responses hit me like the blow from a heavy weight boxer. I found my head reeling. And this dear ladies and gentleman is when I decided to generously untwist the twisted notions that this poor male had in is head about relationships:

  1. Sex before marriage is compulsory: Personally I think this is completely at the discretion of the individual. Each to their own. The only thing I don’t agree with is when the man believes that because you are in a relationship he is entitled to your goods. I recently talked to a guy that described girls that decide to remain celibate in their relationship as selfish, because they force their men into celibacy. What kind of twisted world are we living in that women do not have the right to keep themselves?
  2. Being your girlfriend/wife is interchangeable with your house maid: Even if you do ask me the question ‘can you cook?’ and I confirm that yes I can. It does in no way mean that I will now become your personal chef. Yes, every now and then if I have the time I will cook you meals. Not because I have to but because I love you and want to take care of you. But long gone are the days where men are the sole providers in the house hold, so if I am lugging my ass out of bed every morning and going to work to provide for our family too, then I suggest that you purchase a cook book and a masculine vacuum cleaner because I will not be the only one to cook and clean up in this hizzouse!
  3. Just because your past girls have put up with it that I will: Too many times I have been told in that whiny and somewhat condescending tone ‘well my ex-girlfriend never had a problem with it’. Please, if you miss your relationship with your ex so much  go and find her and resume your dysfunctional relationship because I don’t have time for little boys that are always referring to their past. I am a growing woman so I have got to keep it moving forwards, not backwards thanks. Too many guys are used to behaving foolishly (e.g. not following through with promises, sexual promiscuity, being disrespectful etc.) and not suffering the repercussions because females in their past have kissed their asses, and failed to flag up serious flaws that need addressing. So when a no-nonsense woman comes into the picture they start cowering and complaining. Make up your mind: Do you want a woman that adores you but isn’t afraid to flag up your flaws to sculpt you into the amazing man she knows you can be? Or do you want a chick that Is going to bark ‘yes’ robotically in response to everything you say, whilst secretly thinking you’re a complete and utter douchebag? Choose.
  4. Marriage is not a 2 way decision: Guys are getting too cocky. I guess they can smell the pungent odour of women ripe for marriage in the air so they use it as leverage in relationships, holding it above a woman’s head like teasing a dog desperate for a treat.  The man that I marry needs to realise that I said yes when he donned that ring on my finger because I want to marry him and because he wants to marry me. It is a mutual agreement. In no way is it a privilege for a man to agree to marry a woman. In fact a woman enhances and upgrades a man’s life so really he should be seeing her acceptance to marry him as a blessing. Please recognise that I will continue to live life with our without your last name thanks.
  5. That you can buy my love: ‘I would take her out shopping’; that was the response I received from one of my male friends when I asked him what he would do if he really messed up with his woman. Why are men so confused? This might work on some women but men need to realise that most women of this day and age can pay their own way, so buying them this or that won’t better your situation. Try writing her a poem, taking her to a sentimental destination or even making a gift yourself, something to reignite feelings of your love. Maybe then maybe will she be able to give you her whole heart.
  6. That all women are players, juggling a million men at one time:  Don’t get me wrong. If we are not in a relationship then in no way am I obligated to cut off all other guys and commit to you completely. But if we are courting, I like you, and am blatantly investing a lot of time to get to know you, why assume that every time my phone vibrates it’s from another guy? I have been asked so many times now by my potential suitor ‘oh so that other guy is calling you again right?’ that it is now laughable. He doesn’t believe that it is any of my numerous girlfriends, who grossly outnumber my male friends by like 10:1, so I just go with it. Let him believe what he wants to believe. Personally I think guys like the idea because they want to know that the chick they are courting isn’t desperate and has other options, so if it does work out they feel it hasn’t been forced but developed completely organically. She chose him.

So these are just some points that I wanted to clarify for the guys out there who seem to harbour some deluded ideas of what relationships should be like. If your girl all of a sudden looks like she is having a seizure; her eyes rolling to the back of her head as her neck swivels uncontrollably then you best believe you must have got it twisted.

Follow your dreams or your heart?

Every girl has that hope of meeting the guy of their dreams. But what happens when you meet that guy? -you’re in an amazing 2 year relationship with him that could potentially lead to marriage, but then something else comes up. You are offered the career opportunity of your dreams: working abroad in an exotic location, in a senior role, for one of the most recognised companies in the world. Would you be willing to sacrifice your relationship for it? or would you sacrifice your dreams for a chance to settle down with your partner?

Likewise, guys, if you were the boyfriend of a girl in that situation, would you be willing to move abroad with your potential Mrs? Would you try long distance? or would you call the relationship off altogether?

She dated my dad

I am married with 3 kids and dearly love my wife, but recently I found out that my wife used to date my father who is now late. What makes things worse is that she had this affair with my dad whilst my parents were married and she was the reason why my mother divorced my father. My wife failed to inform me of any of this. Should I stay with her for the sake of our marriage and family or leave?

I’m in love with another man

Human beings are hedonistic creatures. Greedy to the core. We are always searching for ways to enhance something, whether it be are state of mind, wealth or appearance. But when is enough enough? When should we quit searching and be content with what we already have?

Love is something I’ve always said that I will never compromise on, but if you were in a long-term committed relationship with an amazing guy; someone that possessed all of the qualities that you have ever thought you wanted, and then you met another guy; someone that awakened things inside of you that you never knew existed, and possessed all of the qualities in a man that you have ever wanted and then some, would you leave your current partner? This good man that you have shared years of your life with, genuinely loves you and you love too, for this potentially great man that you also love and could have an amazing future with.

To be or not to be in a relationship

Confused and frustrated. Those 2 words best describe how I am feeling at this exact moment. I watched an episode of ‘Being Mary Jane’, a series that depicts the struggles of a Black American woman in her home, career and love life. To say that I am addicted would be an understatement. I am well and truly hooked; not only because I can identify with some of struggles that she faces as a young, single black woman, but the fact that it flags up some fundamental issues when it comes to relationships, ultimately leading you to puzzle over the question: Why do relationships have to be so complicated?

I have always been someone to love being in a relationship. I love the feeling of companionship that comes with it. The feeling of being loved wholeheartedly by someone, and giving that love back ten-fold, completely and selflessly. It is indescribable; fills your heart with so much joy that your chest can barely contain it. I know I definitely want to feel that way about somebody again. And I want it to be mutual and reciprocal, with them loving me with an equal or even greater intensity than I do them. But one thing I must admit is that, I’m scared. I am just so scared of being in a relationship. They are often romanticized, and society constantly makes you feel like if you are not in one then you are really missing out. This is understandable because they can be amazing! But at the same time they come with so much pressure, and it’s this pressure that I am not too sure I can stand.

Even before you start dating there is a slight pressure for you to be the sort of woman a man would want. With this in mind, I don’t mean drastically changing your appearance and pretending to be something that you completely are not, but I mean doing subtle things like spending 5 minutes scrutinizing a text because you don’t want to sound too forward, or give the impression that you are too available but at the same time too independent. People are always saying that you should never act like you are too interested, and that you should play a few games, make the guy chase you. It might sound silly but it seems most guys respond more positively to this sort of childish behaviour, which is sad because it leaves the down-to-earth, hopelessly romantic females contemplating acting like an indifferent diva just to gain the guys attention. Even in the most understated of ways, the idea of being in a relationship already changes who you are from the very beginning, so the question you really need to ask yourself is ‘Is it worth it?’

Right now I am going through a phase where I am not necessarily looking to be in a full blown relationship, but I am definitely keeping an eye out for that guy that I could possibly be in one with. Befriend him. Get to know him, and then possibly take it to that next level. But even the idea of ascending to that next level is scary. I definitely would not say that I am a commitment-phobe, but I believe that everybody should approach the idea of being in a relationship with caution. Why do I feel this way? Because relationships are hard work. Not only do you invest your time, emotions, money and sometimes your body, but you invest your hopes and dreams of the future. In my opinion, for me to do this I need to be completely sure that the man in question is worthy of all of this effort and that the relationship has long-term potential, and could potentially result in marriage.

I feel sad when I hear about women in dysfunctional relationships where the man abuses them mentally and physically, has affairs, and ultimately damages their self-esteem and feelings of self-worth. A lot of women enter into or stay in such relationships because they feel that the man is going to change, that they would never be able to find anything better, or they rationalize that maybe they are the problem and the reason for his bad behavior. Understandably, many women are determined to stick through their relationships even when the times are bad, and I mean really bad, but I think that it is important and healthy to take some time and evaluate your relationship, ask yourself some important questions: Is this the sort of man that I want to be in a relationship with? Do I like the person that I am turning out to be? Ultimately, if not then maybe this relationship is not and has never been right for you.

This piece isn’t to discourage people that want to enter into relationships, but it is just to encourage women to be patient and really take the time to think before you choose to make that man your official boyfriend or husband, before you become that desperate woman seeking advice to resolve endless relationship problems.

Take some time to consider these points if you are contemplating becoming his woman:

Make Sure You Know Yourself: I know that my future husband has to be godly, kind, and have the silliest sense of humor. Why? because that’s what makes me happy and something that I cannot do without. What must you have in a man? Do not settle for anything less.

Establish Yourself Spiritually: Religion can really guide you in terms of how to conduct yourself in a relationship; how to treat others and knowing how you should be treated. A godly woman knows her self-worth and the worth of others. Open up to him about your beliefs. A man that will respect you, is morally attuned to you, and strives to build a relationship with you with God at the forefront is definitely a keeper.

You Have To Be Emotionally Mature: Relationships are exhausting. You need to have that emotional maturity to be able to compromise, forgive and work through hard times. Bob Marley wisely said “The truth is everyone is going to hurt you. You just have to find the ones worth suffering for”, thus on entering into a relationship you should be prepared to face hard times, just make sure that without a doubt the man in question is worth it. It’s also important that you hold yourself in high esteem and have a healthy perception of yourself, so if you ever do have to walk away from a dysfunctional relationship or endure through difficult circumstances then your dignity is always intact.

Be Independent- It commands respect: It helps to enter into a relationship knowing that if you wanted to you could leave at your own accord. Strive for personal progression and successes, so that no man would ever be able to take you for granted or use his money or power as leverage. Let him know that you have your own friends, career and interests, and although he is an important part of your life, without him your world will keep on spinning, so he best work hard at staying in it.

Learn More About Him: I know sometimes it’s tempting to snatch that man off the market because he seems to have several of the traits countless women are looking for (e.g handsome, educated, wealthy, god-fearing etc). But really take that time to get to know him. Show him your strengths and weaknesses, and likewise evaluate his. If you can be completely free around him, joke with and confide in him like you’re best friends, then with time it may develop into something more. If he treats you like an invaluable treasure as your friend, then only God knows how amazing your relationship could be as lovers.

I want to leave you with this scenario in mind (taken from ‘Being Mary Jane’): A married woman is confronted by her husband’s mistress about their affair, although deeply hurt, in response she says “I am going to count my blessings that it wasn’t something much worse”. She knew that when she married this man she made a commitment, and whether rightly or not she was determined to fight for their relationship. What I am trying to communicate is that relationships are hard. I know that there is a lot of pressure for women to be in relationships, but we must be patient, take our time and make sure that he is the one.

Because once you are married or in a committed relationship you may have to endure some hardships you never contemplated in your wildest dreams. Just make sure that you are ready.

My little FREAK

Dara awoke to darkness. Narrowing her eyes she could just make out the ornate fireplace in the middle of the room; a stage for the orange and yellow flames that danced ferociously, creating  fluid shadows that swayed and arched against the creamy beige walls. She sat up in bed, firmly clutching the thin white sheet that loosely concealed her pert breasts and naked body. So she had stripped naked last night? Gently massaging her temples she leaned forward, sifting through an array of muddled thoughts. The last thing she could remember was running through the hotel corridors, screaming and laughing as Tunji chased her menacingly. She’d thrown off her heels and flung them at him, laughing hysterically before sprinting down the lush hallway, spinning past and ducking under everything in her path. An old woman had hissed at her angrily, the creases of her cheeks trembling as she shook her head in disapproval. She could still remember the impudence with which she had hissed back. Throwing out her tongue and waggling it every which way, as she roughly hiked up her dress and ran. Whizzing down the halls with the long satin white gown, which once delicately hugged her curves and made her glow with a palpable sense of regality, now hung messily around her waist, revealing the silk white undies that scarcely veiled her curvaceous bottom and blushing folds. Oh Gods, she had flashed the old lady!

Planting her feet unsteadily on the cold wooden floor she fought to control the overwhelming sense of dizziness. Whatever happened last night, it really must have been something. The room looked like the remnants of a bomb site; a muddled array of watery footprints spanned out in every direction, and broken pieces of upturned furniture littered the floor. Summoning all of her energy she painstakingly got to her feet, driven by her determination to evaluate the extent of the damage, only to be thrown back down by a searing pain culminating in her lower back. Wincing, she massaged the throbbing pain. The dim firelight was just enough to highlight the foreign purple bruise trespassing on her soft chocolate skin . It lay there dark, ominous and accusing. What really went on last night? for the first time in a while she was worried, anxiously fretting her bottom lip, which strangely tasted a bit like, -blood?

Her eyes shot to Tunji. He was asleep. Motionless. His tall masculine frame naked apart from the frail sheet knotted between his muscular legs. He looked peaceful, angelic even. His furrowed brows twitched as he snuggled deeper into the thick cushion; last nights adventures most likely crashing their way to the fore. Sighing she ran her delicate fingertips down the smooth crease of his back, indulging in the way his dark hairs seemingly stood to attention in response to her slightest touch. Arousing. Even asleep his body was so receptive to hers. Moving closer she carefully pulled back the sheets; leaving one hand on his back as she made slow languid movements, up and down, up and down, whilst with the other she loosed the sheet from his grasp.

The fluid movement rocked her into a sleep-like state, like she was weightless, a motionless spectator overlooking a frenzied scene:

He was kissing her. The moist softness of his lips, pressing hard and hungrily against her bare skin. Desperate to explore every curve and crevice that his mouth could reach.

Stumbling backwards into the room, smoldering from the heat emanating from his impassioned body, she struggled. Fighting to catch her breath as his kisses consumed her. She was on fire. Burning. And all she could think about was ripping off her clothes. Tugging clumsily at the dress, she fought. Fought to set free from this bondage that weighed her down, restrained her, stopped her from unleashing her desires upon this irresistible man. In a split a second he read her thoughts. His emblazoned eyes set upon hers as he ripped it. Effortlessly yet determinedly. The stubborn material proved no competition for the raw adrenaline that surged through this mans veins. Yet he looked at her, concernedly as if restraining all of his God-given passion to ensure that she was okay. That this fragile being that lay before him was freely yielding to the inner-beast that was about to be unleashed.

Stepping back she looked at him; slowly tracing her fingers over his plump wet lips as she searched within for a response to his unspoken question. The answer she knew undoubtedly. She was his; willingly, yielding, his to be forever. With this in mind, she turned; her hips swaying rhythmically in the cool breeze as she strutted away, seductively and silently to the corner of the room. Standing  there facing him, her naked body stood erect and alert like a predator studying its prey. Before he knew what had happened, like a flash of lightening she had lunged, throwing the full weight of her body into his unsuspecting arms. Unbeknownst to him the sudden gentility of his spirit had thrown her- in full force over the edge of a cliff that she had been dangling over all too dangerously. She wanted him. And by Gods this night she would have him.

Rocking in his arms she groaned. His supple flesh was mouthwatering, like sticky honey yearning to be harvested. Her kisses rained down upon him; blows propelling him backwards till he collided with a table, sending the contents flying across the room until the shattered wine glass remains lay motionless on the hearth rug, and the table lay on its side, battered and nursing a broken leg from the onslaught. Exciting. She was growing crazed with his intoxicating scent, the steaminess of his heated skin as it flexed and bulged against hers, and his lustful groans as she feasted relentlessly on his flesh; kissing, sucking, licking, biting, doing anything to establish that unbreakable closeness. She felt powerful. The feeling intensified as she slid free from his desirous grasp, and slowly slid down his body till she reached it. 

Beneath her penetrating gaze it rose, slowly swelling outwards till fully outstretched, like an eager handshake beckoning her forward. Everything seemed to be in slow motion. Trembling he fought to maintain control, but each slow and sensual lick of her lips was excruciating, made his muscles shudder violently as he squandered every ounce of self-discipline to stop himself from yanking her head forward and consuming him fully. Inclining her head she smiled. A crude and cocky smile. Her hot heavy breaths were electrifying over the ripe crown, which continued to shudder and ache, expectantly. He was powerless. Completely helpless before this stunning female, and this enthralled her; filled her petite body with a daring courage that left her feeling magnified as she moved away.

Shaken and bemused he watched her. Mesmerized by her thick womanly figure as she swayed confidently, enticingly to the glass door. She tapped on it. Her eyes glinting mischievously as they indicated to the waves of cool dark water that lay outside, glistening beneath the moons silver light. “Care for a dip?” she rasped, flinging back the glass door and launching herself into the spine-tingling cold.

*

The rush of cold air permeated his body and senses. He was still in disbelief from her actions. Dara -normally meek, shy and submissive had bombarded him with an onslaught of sexy, defiant and dominant, and he’d liked it.  Her antics had challenged him, provoked him, aroused the ruthless warrior hell bent on conquering this battle. Diving after her into the gleaming water he mused, tonight she will beg for mercy. And so she did.

**

It was her wanton, pitchy screams that yanked her back to reality. Gosh had she done that? Screamed brazenly to the high heavens as he made love to her? Filled her body with unimaginable bliss as he pumped into her ruthlessly, again and again. Now the bruises and the blood no longer seemed foreign; she’d thrown them around with such lustful abandon that the pain of hitting walls and smacking against floors became intoxicating pleasure; she’d kissed him with such savage hunger that she accepted the bittersweet taste of the blood spewing forth from his lips like a willing offering. Blushing, reality dawned on her like a thick and weighty fog. She was what he had yelled time and time again ‘His little freak’.

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Man and wife

I stepped tentatively towards the hall opening, stumbling clumsily like a child taking her first steps. He stood beside me, strong and confident, holding my tense hands between his and making circular, soothing motions. Tunji had always been my knight in shining armour, and on this occasion he truly looked the part; adorned in a tailored blue suit that sculpted and moulded his body to perfection. With the slightest movement the material would heap and bulge over his sinewy arms and brawny legs, revealing the toned masculine frame hidden beneath. He was so effortlessly handsome, gorgeous even; with that broad chiselled jaw, full pink lips, and piercing brown eyes to die for. And to think, he was all mine. I had to bite my lip to the stifle the laugh threatening to escape. So many people had warned me; said he was too good looking to ever settle down, and that he was a notorious player with countless women and illegitimate children. There was a time in our relationship that I believed them, succumbed to the spiteful gossip of jealous onlookers because this man from my dreams was too good to be true. But he proved it, time and time again, that his love was real and never-ending. That his empathic declarations of “I love you” were a manifestation of how his heart melts when we share a gentle kiss, or bleeds whenever we fight.  

This gentle giant opened my eyes to the fullness of God’s love. He kissed away my tears, he prayed away my sorrows, and he showed me his rights when I showed him my wrongs. These serpents disguised in women’s guises were seated amongst the crowd, plastic smiles plastered thick with make-up, slim bodies adorned in the finest garments; wearing extravagant aso-ebi shipped from abroad and jewellery made from the purest gold. The brightness of their lipstick deceiving to the naked eye, as below lurked dark feelings of hatred, jealousy and deceit. 

With all this known I stepped forth boldly, unveiling myself to prying eyes. I was instantly overwhelmed by a sense of suffocation, as if being swallowed by a sea of unfamiliar faces. My pin pricked all over, sensitive to the hot glare from the lights that bore fiercely down. I itched from the sticky sweat seeping through my pores and the heated gazes of people, lots of people staring at me hungrily, expectedly as if awaiting some special performance that I, the bride, was to perform. But then he spoke, his voice reverberating deep tones that spread to the furthest corners and stroked the highest ceiling. It was a like a cool breeze washing over me; soothing and revitalizing, renewing me of all strength.

I lifted my eyes and glared at the crowd, defiantly, proudly. His voice humming in my ear and empowering my heart, reminding me that this union was unbreakable and eternal. From that moment on all I saw was light; dazzling smiles and shining eyes whirled around the room as we danced to the rhythm of our hearty laughter. We pranced and whirled and swayed and twirled with guests of all shapes and sizes, our bodies blending into a colourful blur and losing track of all time on the endless dance floor. 

I sat down, carefully stroking my thumb over the raw blisters that swelled on my feet.  The fullness of my belly and the marks on my body were proof of the amazing time that we’d had. Priceless memories that we would have forever. Looking up, I felt his heated gaze on mine.  His juicy lips contorted into an impish grin as he licked them slowly, seductively. He strode across the room, broad-shouldered and standing tall, like a warrior set on claiming his prize. Pulling me closer he whispered in a raw husky voice, scandalous tales of the night of forbidden pleasures that lay ahead.Image