Don’t get it twisted

This phrase tends to fight its way past my lips whenever a guy winds me up to the point of no return, saying something that has my eyes rolling and neck gyrating manically like a possessed voodoo Queen. I feel like this has been happening way too often. Not because this is my typical dramatic reaction to every dubious statement that’s thrown my way, but because lately I have been drowning in so much crap, this being the verbal trash spewing forth from the lips of that otherworldly species known as men. I find myself regularly dousing my face in splashes of cold water, as if confirmation that the crap I had just heard was real. I mean, did he really just say that to me? And is this really what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life? A lifetime of biting my tongue as he says and does the most unreasonable of things?

Sitting at the café, watching the passers-by swarm around us, I decided that I had agreed to this date for 2 reasons:

1) To size up this handsome guy sitting across from me. He was casually rocking some pastel-coloured chinos and a salmon V-neck. Good dress sense, check, plus he seemed attentive. His chocolate brown eyes steadfastly remained on mine throughout the conversation. They didn’t even stray when that petite Jamaican chick with the disproportionately large ass swaggered past, though I noticed she swayed significantly slower to give him a good eye full. Keep it moving hoe! But definitely big check

2) To reveal to him a little bit about myself. Just enough for him to get a good idea of our compatibility but holding back just enough to leave him with that tinge of curiosity; that yearning to run home and scan the web for the destination of our next hook up.

30 minutes into our conversation and I was pleased. The hot chocolate danced in my belly, spurring a warming sensation that sprouted up and out, culminating in a pleasant tingle at the tips of my fingers. I looked at them, wondering if this was a sign from God, spurring me on to touch the hands of my fated husband? Ok, maybe a bit far-fetched, but that pleasant feeling had me feeling mighty daring so I decided to go with it. 45 minutes into the conversation, I am gazing into his eyes, my fingers snugly intertwined between his and my mind deeply engrossed in our conversation.  I am mesmerized by his intellect. The way his words slid of his tongue so effortlessly, giving me a glimpse into his limitless knowledge. Hidden between the facts were a few hopeful statements where he talked about settling down and starting a family. I had to look away; the intensity of his gaze as he said those things made my cheeks flushed. I didn’t want to hint that at that exact moment in time I was feeling exactly what he was feeling; that we potentially could be a match made in heaven.

Oh how that heaven swiftly turned to hell when I decided to ask him a few questions. Find out if this man and I were really meant to be. His responses hit me like the blow from a heavy weight boxer. I found my head reeling. And this dear ladies and gentleman is when I decided to generously untwist the twisted notions that this poor male had in is head about relationships:

  1. Sex before marriage is compulsory: Personally I think this is completely at the discretion of the individual. Each to their own. The only thing I don’t agree with is when the man believes that because you are in a relationship he is entitled to your goods. I recently talked to a guy that described girls that decide to remain celibate in their relationship as selfish, because they force their men into celibacy. What kind of twisted world are we living in that women do not have the right to keep themselves?
  2. Being your girlfriend/wife is interchangeable with your house maid: Even if you do ask me the question ‘can you cook?’ and I confirm that yes I can. It does in no way mean that I will now become your personal chef. Yes, every now and then if I have the time I will cook you meals. Not because I have to but because I love you and want to take care of you. But long gone are the days where men are the sole providers in the house hold, so if I am lugging my ass out of bed every morning and going to work to provide for our family too, then I suggest that you purchase a cook book and a masculine vacuum cleaner because I will not be the only one to cook and clean up in this hizzouse!
  3. Just because your past girls have put up with it that I will: Too many times I have been told in that whiny and somewhat condescending tone ‘well my ex-girlfriend never had a problem with it’. Please, if you miss your relationship with your ex so much  go and find her and resume your dysfunctional relationship because I don’t have time for little boys that are always referring to their past. I am a growing woman so I have got to keep it moving forwards, not backwards thanks. Too many guys are used to behaving foolishly (e.g. not following through with promises, sexual promiscuity, being disrespectful etc.) and not suffering the repercussions because females in their past have kissed their asses, and failed to flag up serious flaws that need addressing. So when a no-nonsense woman comes into the picture they start cowering and complaining. Make up your mind: Do you want a woman that adores you but isn’t afraid to flag up your flaws to sculpt you into the amazing man she knows you can be? Or do you want a chick that Is going to bark ‘yes’ robotically in response to everything you say, whilst secretly thinking you’re a complete and utter douchebag? Choose.
  4. Marriage is not a 2 way decision: Guys are getting too cocky. I guess they can smell the pungent odour of women ripe for marriage in the air so they use it as leverage in relationships, holding it above a woman’s head like teasing a dog desperate for a treat.  The man that I marry needs to realise that I said yes when he donned that ring on my finger because I want to marry him and because he wants to marry me. It is a mutual agreement. In no way is it a privilege for a man to agree to marry a woman. In fact a woman enhances and upgrades a man’s life so really he should be seeing her acceptance to marry him as a blessing. Please recognise that I will continue to live life with our without your last name thanks.
  5. That you can buy my love: ‘I would take her out shopping’; that was the response I received from one of my male friends when I asked him what he would do if he really messed up with his woman. Why are men so confused? This might work on some women but men need to realise that most women of this day and age can pay their own way, so buying them this or that won’t better your situation. Try writing her a poem, taking her to a sentimental destination or even making a gift yourself, something to reignite feelings of your love. Maybe then maybe will she be able to give you her whole heart.
  6. That all women are players, juggling a million men at one time:  Don’t get me wrong. If we are not in a relationship then in no way am I obligated to cut off all other guys and commit to you completely. But if we are courting, I like you, and am blatantly investing a lot of time to get to know you, why assume that every time my phone vibrates it’s from another guy? I have been asked so many times now by my potential suitor ‘oh so that other guy is calling you again right?’ that it is now laughable. He doesn’t believe that it is any of my numerous girlfriends, who grossly outnumber my male friends by like 10:1, so I just go with it. Let him believe what he wants to believe. Personally I think guys like the idea because they want to know that the chick they are courting isn’t desperate and has other options, so if it does work out they feel it hasn’t been forced but developed completely organically. She chose him.

So these are just some points that I wanted to clarify for the guys out there who seem to harbour some deluded ideas of what relationships should be like. If your girl all of a sudden looks like she is having a seizure; her eyes rolling to the back of her head as her neck swivels uncontrollably then you best believe you must have got it twisted.

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The dos and donts of love in the club

I recently went to a party with a girlfriend of mine. We are both single, thus we were dressed with the idea that we could potentially meet some nice guys in mind; modest yet alluring. When we entered, the room was sparsely occupied with some black guys standing around conversing. We sat down by a nearby table and before we even started talking were joined by a white guy who attempted to make some pointless chit-chat.

What he said was not at all interesting, but what did catch my attention was the confidence with which he made some of his statements, one clearly being that “I love black women”. I watched bemusedly as he rambled on and on about how black women are so attractive, ultimately ending with him offering to buy us some drinks. Although I was not in the least impressed with his futile efforts of making interesting conversation, I did respect the fact that this guy had even tried- I mean, here was a guy who knew what he wanted and had straight up gone for it, despite the fact that he was a minority white guy at a predominantly black party.

Looking around the room I couldn’t help but feel disappointed. Black guys scattered around in clusters were throwing inquisitive glances in our direction, probably wondering what on earth this guy was saying to keep us engaged for so long, when really they should have been asking themselves why aren’t we making the effort to go and talk to these girls ourselves? Now believe me, I’m not blowing my trumpet and assuming that these guys were interested. It’s just that several of them gave us that ‘look’ that suggested that there was some sort of attraction, plus throughout the night when things got busy, we were bombarded by so many one can only wonder why they didn’t use their common sense and try to talk to us when we were less occupied.

I left that night feeling confused and maltreated, mulling over several questions in my head. I was hoping that some of you could help me answer them:

1. What is the right way to approach a girl at a party? I am pretty sure I know everything that I would hate for a guy to do, but how could he actually approach me in a way that he’d be warmly received?
2. What are the intentions of guys at parties? Am I too hopeful in thinking that a guy may actually approach me with more respectful intentions than a quick shag?
3. Why do guys no longer put in any effort? Is it because females have lowered their standards to the point that guys have learnt that they don’t need to make any effort to get what they want? Are the guys simply just scared of rejection? Or, do they assume that all girls in the party scene are unserious?

Regardless, men really need to start asking themselves: “do I treat women with the dignity and respect that they deserve?” Similarly, women need to ask themselves, do I conduct myself in a way that warrants respect? I found that the men that did muster the courage to approach me did it in such an abrasive and aggressive way that I literally had to fight my way out of the interactions; on numerous occasions they would throw out their arms like fishing nets and reel me in kicking and screaming. One guy in particular just wouldn’t take no for an answer. He begged and pleaded with me to dance with him, offering to buy me drinks and drop me home (1 hour’s drive) in exchange.

I normally find persistence attractive but this was to such an extreme that it became beyond PATHETIC. Whenever I would try and move away and reconnect with my friend, he would side-step in front of me, grabbing my arm and blocking me like some menacing thug; I had to use great force to pry my arm free from his ruthless grip. This disturbing experience made me want to inform the guys out there about some of the things they just SHOULD NOT do when interacting with girls.

I don’t know if it’s intoxication or excessive testosterone, regardless it is INEXCUSABLE:
– Whispering in her ear – This is way too intimate a thing to be doing to a girl you’ve just met. Only attempt if you are completely sure that she is comfortable with you.

– Firmly grabbing her by the arm or waist – This culture of aggressiveness is NOT cool and needs to stop. A real man wouldn’t dare touch the lady unless it was a gentle tap on the shoulder or you had her permission.

– Sneaking up from behind and grinding against her – This is plain nasty! And kind of perverted.

– Stepping in between her and her friend, blatantly ignoring the fact that another human being is present – This is STANK RUDE!

– Being over-persistent to the point that you are a FREAK STALKER – Learn to take no for an answer, after a while it just gets pathetic.

– Biting your lip and looking the girl up and down – Are you that inexperienced that you have never seen a women before? Or are you hungry and she looks like a piece of meat?

– Asking out both friends in front each other – At least have enough game to try this separately! Amateur.

Similarly, women here are some things that you SHOULD NOT do:

– Let a guy man handle you: You can appear jokey at first but make it known that you will not stand for such nonsense.

– Dress half-naked: I noticed that the girls wearing more clothes actually received more attention than the ones walking around naked.

– Dance like a hooker: Some girl’s hands were on the floor while her ass was high up in the air shaking like it had the fever. Let’s just say that she received attention but not of the good kind :s

– Leave your friend alone: Abandoning your friend in favour to dance with some guy is rude and can be quite upsetting. Friendship comes first so even if you do dance with someone else, make sure your friend isn’t lonely.

– Cling to your man all night if you are with him: One girl couldn’t seem to let her man go! All night she was forcing his arms around her waist and making random displays for attention. He didn’t seem too impressed.

Ladies don’t forget that you were somebody before you met him, so spend some time dancing by yourself and having fun independently – reminds him of the independent spirit he first met, plus it makes you seem less clingy.

Guys, I know approaching a girl can be difficult (especially as some of us do some serious Shakara), but please remember that we are women like your mothers and sisters, and all of us deserve to be appreciated and treated with respect. Girls, we say that we are ladies but do we conduct ourselves like them? Hardcore twerking in the club and dressing like strippers isn’t going to prompt a man to behave like a gentleman. Ultimately, know your worth and settle for nothing less.

20/10/11:Chilling in Naija

I like to think that I’m settling into Naija pretty well. Probably due to the fact that the weather is just as turbulent as the English, randomly interchanging between warm and toasty to some crazy-ass flood-inducing thunder/lightning storm within seconds. Many times I have been tempted to run outside and dance in the torrents of rain, but I’m afraid the people will think that I’m a mad woman, plus this place is so polluted and dirty I wouldn’t be surprised if the rain was acid and caused my face to melt away. My stay is bettered by the fact that I’m surrounded by lots of warm and loving family who take care of and entertain me whenever possible. I feel like the atmosphere is totally different here; even though I’m deeply loved by family in England we all give each other space and provide a more ‘calm love’ (if that makes sense) but here in Naija if you’re family everyone is so excited and overly happy, providing a kinda in-your-face love. I must say, I kinda like it, but it is best in small doses, I definitely couldn’t be dealing with too much ‘family’ at once.

I’ve been spending a lot of time chilling with my cousin and her family in the mainland (Magodo I think ) even though I’m staying in Ikoyi (on the Island). She’s so loving and generous I absolutely love her! Her and her husband have already taken me to a wedding and to watch ‘The return of Jennifa’ in the cinema. The wedding was …interesting, but one thing I must say is that I never want to have an open wedding in Lagos; if Gods will is for me to get married in Naija (which I doubt) then I am definitely going to make sure that their is a strict guest list, plus I’m gonna arrange security to deal with any uncivilized individuals who attempt to fight ferociously over food or chatter loudly over important speeches; both of which grown-ass adults were doing at the wedding I attended, Can u imagine?!! Seriously, I feel like respect is reciprocal and if you’re rude enough to be disrespecting me (the kind and beautiful bride who has been nice enough to invite you to such a prestigious event) on my wedding day then I think you deserve to be thrown out on your ass; even if it is old and fragile. Mmmmm maybe I should hire some Naija police, they would use the kind of unnecessary force that would make people think twice about their actions. OMG i 4got 2 say, some Naija police man actually stopped our car so that he could ogle my cousin and I, licking his lips and stating ” ooooooh you are too beautiful. Look just like twins” even though we look nothing alike!!! I must say that in Naija I get a lot of male attention; better than in England where the guys make you feel hideous and unworthy, however I haven’t seen any cute Naija guys yet so it’s just bloody pointless.

Anyhoo… Apart from the wedding the movie was really good. I didn’t really understand a lot of what was being said , and a large message on the bottom right side of the cinema screen saying ‘windows scan has detected viruses’ blocked a lot of the subtitles (kmt only in Naija) , but Jenifa’s fresh accent and less than impressive dance moves made it funny enough. All in all the cinema experience was amusing; especially since the screen blacked out at one point and then proceeded to show the windows media player page which it was being played from, so obviously this movie was being projected straight from someones laptop, furthermore many people felt it was appropriate to have loud and lengthy conversations on the phone during the movie. LMAO I’m learning to laugh at the many things in Naija that I would be outraged to see in England.

One area I’ve learnt to apply my care-free attitude is when buying food from fast food joints. I have no idea what it is, maybe some of these workers are illiterate, have learning difficulties or are just plain slow! because not once have I been to a place where my food was provided quickly and efficiently. Such was found when we went to KFC to simply order a bucket of original chicken and some chips. This simple order was repeated twice, thus we assumed the food provided was correct, however my cousin found herself returning to KFC and complaining, highlighting how our receipt says original chicken yet this slow individual had decided to give us a bucket of some random spicy chicken. According to a source such deception has been attempted many a times; with some cases where the employees have stooped so low as to hide the unpopular hot and spicy chicken amongst the original. My other experience was when I went to Chicken republic. My uncle clearly asked for 2 meat pies (in fact he repeated this twice), and in response the girl began to pack 2 moi moi, “meat pie!” he shouted loudly, she stared at him nonchalantly and continued to pack the moi moi “MEAT PIE, MEAT PIE, MEAT PIE, MEAT PIE” He shouted irritably. Surprised at his raised tone the girl looked at him dumbly, then back at the bag of moi moi, then at him again, finally slurring “Ohhhhh I thought you said Moi moi”. Back to the food she waddles, finally coming back with the meat pie. LORD HAVE MERCY! how can something so simple be so difficult?!!!

After I got back from Magodo my uncle who works for Total (an oil company) took me around Lagos; showing me the popular restaurants, sites and accommodation. One thing I must conclude is that Naija is dirty! and the roads are actually terrible!; forget about going to Chessington or Alton towers, drive on a Nigerian road and you will experience the most turbulent rollercoaster of your life. It just makes you think WTF are the government spending their money on?! It’s sad; Naija has so much potential and could be really successful if it could have the right people managing them at the top. Anyhoo my uncle took me to some fancy cocktail party at the hotel he was staying in, “Eko hotel”, some fancy place that his company pays for him to reside, and whilst I was rolling around in his humongous bed and eating the food his company had paid for I realized that this was definitely the kind of life I could see myself living 🙂 I’m sure the immoral women sitting in the lobby(who regularly wait to prostitute themselves to wealthy, fat, and perverted men) were thinking exactly the same thing.

The wealth of opportunities in Naija to make money external to an individuals salary make the place very attractive, however some major downers are the huge, and potentially life-threatening insects along with the lack of good-looking men. In regards to the former, I was forced to sleep inside of the study after being attacked by some bird-sized cockroaches in the bathroom and my bedroom, leaving me bewildered, uncomfortable, and slightly humiliated (sleeping on the floor and peeing in a bucket…). This experience makes me dread NYSC camp all the more; you think I will be able to fumigate my room? or maybe I could make a friend that would gladly kill any pest in my way. OMG and when I went for a jog with my aunt I was actually attacked by a bat, It’s like all of these creatures have escaped from hell! I don’t know how much longer I can take this.