Don’t get it twisted

This phrase tends to fight its way past my lips whenever a guy winds me up to the point of no return, saying something that has my eyes rolling and neck gyrating manically like a possessed voodoo Queen. I feel like this has been happening way too often. Not because this is my typical dramatic reaction to every dubious statement that’s thrown my way, but because lately I have been drowning in so much crap, this being the verbal trash spewing forth from the lips of that otherworldly species known as men. I find myself regularly dousing my face in splashes of cold water, as if confirmation that the crap I had just heard was real. I mean, did he really just say that to me? And is this really what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life? A lifetime of biting my tongue as he says and does the most unreasonable of things?

Sitting at the café, watching the passers-by swarm around us, I decided that I had agreed to this date for 2 reasons:

1) To size up this handsome guy sitting across from me. He was casually rocking some pastel-coloured chinos and a salmon V-neck. Good dress sense, check, plus he seemed attentive. His chocolate brown eyes steadfastly remained on mine throughout the conversation. They didn’t even stray when that petite Jamaican chick with the disproportionately large ass swaggered past, though I noticed she swayed significantly slower to give him a good eye full. Keep it moving hoe! But definitely big check

2) To reveal to him a little bit about myself. Just enough for him to get a good idea of our compatibility but holding back just enough to leave him with that tinge of curiosity; that yearning to run home and scan the web for the destination of our next hook up.

30 minutes into our conversation and I was pleased. The hot chocolate danced in my belly, spurring a warming sensation that sprouted up and out, culminating in a pleasant tingle at the tips of my fingers. I looked at them, wondering if this was a sign from God, spurring me on to touch the hands of my fated husband? Ok, maybe a bit far-fetched, but that pleasant feeling had me feeling mighty daring so I decided to go with it. 45 minutes into the conversation, I am gazing into his eyes, my fingers snugly intertwined between his and my mind deeply engrossed in our conversation.  I am mesmerized by his intellect. The way his words slid of his tongue so effortlessly, giving me a glimpse into his limitless knowledge. Hidden between the facts were a few hopeful statements where he talked about settling down and starting a family. I had to look away; the intensity of his gaze as he said those things made my cheeks flushed. I didn’t want to hint that at that exact moment in time I was feeling exactly what he was feeling; that we potentially could be a match made in heaven.

Oh how that heaven swiftly turned to hell when I decided to ask him a few questions. Find out if this man and I were really meant to be. His responses hit me like the blow from a heavy weight boxer. I found my head reeling. And this dear ladies and gentleman is when I decided to generously untwist the twisted notions that this poor male had in is head about relationships:

  1. Sex before marriage is compulsory: Personally I think this is completely at the discretion of the individual. Each to their own. The only thing I don’t agree with is when the man believes that because you are in a relationship he is entitled to your goods. I recently talked to a guy that described girls that decide to remain celibate in their relationship as selfish, because they force their men into celibacy. What kind of twisted world are we living in that women do not have the right to keep themselves?
  2. Being your girlfriend/wife is interchangeable with your house maid: Even if you do ask me the question ‘can you cook?’ and I confirm that yes I can. It does in no way mean that I will now become your personal chef. Yes, every now and then if I have the time I will cook you meals. Not because I have to but because I love you and want to take care of you. But long gone are the days where men are the sole providers in the house hold, so if I am lugging my ass out of bed every morning and going to work to provide for our family too, then I suggest that you purchase a cook book and a masculine vacuum cleaner because I will not be the only one to cook and clean up in this hizzouse!
  3. Just because your past girls have put up with it that I will: Too many times I have been told in that whiny and somewhat condescending tone ‘well my ex-girlfriend never had a problem with it’. Please, if you miss your relationship with your ex so much  go and find her and resume your dysfunctional relationship because I don’t have time for little boys that are always referring to their past. I am a growing woman so I have got to keep it moving forwards, not backwards thanks. Too many guys are used to behaving foolishly (e.g. not following through with promises, sexual promiscuity, being disrespectful etc.) and not suffering the repercussions because females in their past have kissed their asses, and failed to flag up serious flaws that need addressing. So when a no-nonsense woman comes into the picture they start cowering and complaining. Make up your mind: Do you want a woman that adores you but isn’t afraid to flag up your flaws to sculpt you into the amazing man she knows you can be? Or do you want a chick that Is going to bark ‘yes’ robotically in response to everything you say, whilst secretly thinking you’re a complete and utter douchebag? Choose.
  4. Marriage is not a 2 way decision: Guys are getting too cocky. I guess they can smell the pungent odour of women ripe for marriage in the air so they use it as leverage in relationships, holding it above a woman’s head like teasing a dog desperate for a treat.  The man that I marry needs to realise that I said yes when he donned that ring on my finger because I want to marry him and because he wants to marry me. It is a mutual agreement. In no way is it a privilege for a man to agree to marry a woman. In fact a woman enhances and upgrades a man’s life so really he should be seeing her acceptance to marry him as a blessing. Please recognise that I will continue to live life with our without your last name thanks.
  5. That you can buy my love: ‘I would take her out shopping’; that was the response I received from one of my male friends when I asked him what he would do if he really messed up with his woman. Why are men so confused? This might work on some women but men need to realise that most women of this day and age can pay their own way, so buying them this or that won’t better your situation. Try writing her a poem, taking her to a sentimental destination or even making a gift yourself, something to reignite feelings of your love. Maybe then maybe will she be able to give you her whole heart.
  6. That all women are players, juggling a million men at one time:  Don’t get me wrong. If we are not in a relationship then in no way am I obligated to cut off all other guys and commit to you completely. But if we are courting, I like you, and am blatantly investing a lot of time to get to know you, why assume that every time my phone vibrates it’s from another guy? I have been asked so many times now by my potential suitor ‘oh so that other guy is calling you again right?’ that it is now laughable. He doesn’t believe that it is any of my numerous girlfriends, who grossly outnumber my male friends by like 10:1, so I just go with it. Let him believe what he wants to believe. Personally I think guys like the idea because they want to know that the chick they are courting isn’t desperate and has other options, so if it does work out they feel it hasn’t been forced but developed completely organically. She chose him.

So these are just some points that I wanted to clarify for the guys out there who seem to harbour some deluded ideas of what relationships should be like. If your girl all of a sudden looks like she is having a seizure; her eyes rolling to the back of her head as her neck swivels uncontrollably then you best believe you must have got it twisted.


25/3/12: The Low down on Naija dudes

As I type this, I type in frustration. I am just annoyed at how annoyingly arrogant some guys can be. One guy in particular is pissing me off to the extreme. Dude says girls from England are rude, okay I guess to some extent we are because we have been raised according to a totally different culture. At least I can admit it. The fool seems to think that everything he does is right even when he’s soooo wrong. I mean seriously wrong. I blame myself for taking on his wahala in the first place. I really shouldn’t give him the time of day but being the slyly manipulative child that I am, I figured that being friendly would mean he would be more willing to do me favours. Unfortunately there has been one in particular that I have been in need of occasionally, causing me to reluctantly call upon his assistance, this being due to the fact that I get to and from work via the assistance of a really nice guy that lives in my apartment, but lately his work schedule has been getting so hectic that he cant always take me and I’m left rideless :(. It is then, and only then, that I resort to idle chit chat with this other dude, expertly slipping in how I’m left rideless in an all so innocent and alluring voice, ultimately resulting in him generously making an offer briefly saving me from the predicament. I mean, anythings better than wasting 3,000 naira on some run-down, foul-smelling, overpriced taxi, and I was genuinely starting to like him (AS A FRIEND). He was cool to talk to, seemed down to earth and was actually generous enough to adapt his working schedule to better suit me, not to forget he had some peas from working in a good oil company. Plus at times when I was seriously suffering from boredom, dude would offer to take me places to just hang out, like shoprite or a bar or whatever.

I’m sure some of you may be wondering. If this guy is so cool then why don’t you like him more than a friend? Errrr for one, He’s Nigerian! I know it might sound bad like I’m rejecting my own people and that I’m in denial of my Nigerian roots but ABEG FORGET THAT ONE! I ain’t in denial of Jack! I want a guy with European citizenship so that under no circumstances will I find myself married and a prisoner to this wayward country. Another thing, I just don’t find him attractive. Yeah he’s tall but no other feature on his body is attractive to me, if you don’t have a face that I can look at over and over again and still think you’re subtly beautiful then forget it! Plus he’s old! I mean going on 30, and his taste in music and out-dated, disjointed dance moves just scream OLD MAN. One time he took me out to this nice, chic and stylish bar. The music was good, the atmosphere was nice and the milkshakes were killer! The only thing that killed it was the fact that I was with him. Don’t wanna be mean but dude cramped my style on another level. I was dancing, jamming expertly to the groove as I do 🙂 and dude just breaks out with these crazy embarrassing grandaddy dance moves! I was like WTF. And he wasn’t drunk because I’d been keeping an eye on his alcohol consumption (Nigerians seem to think they are immune to alcohol). He simply thought his eccentric bordering on epileptic dance moves were cool. I must admit, the first time I laughed. I mean, who wouldn’t? such a sight was monstrously hilarious! but after he repeated the moves again and again with such a strained look of concentration on his face I gradually realised that the dude was in fact …trying. Yes trying, not flaring his limbs manically in a vain attempt to get some laughs but actually trying to coordinate his limbs in a manner which looked vaguely acceptable. I tell you, his little jig was anything but acceptable, and what made it worse was the fact that he was dancing near me, all attempts at hiding in the corner and pretending not to know this strange man were futile. He kept waving his arms around, punching both hands simultaneously in the air, all whilst bopping his head and skipping back and forth towards ME. Lord have mercy! I just wanted the earth to open up and swallow me whole! dude was just too embarrassing. My laughs were soon replaced with scorching tears. The only thing I can think of that even vaguely resembles such a horrific scene is Simon’s dancing from the inbetweeners, with everything down to the passionate lip bite. If that wasn’t enough, dude had the nerve to act all animalistic and territorial when around me. Some guy approached to compliment me on my dance moves, and like a crazed gorilla he picked me up in his arms and squeezed me so tightly, I could feel the air draining from my lungs. I had to kick and punch so I wouldn’t pass out. WHAT A TWAT! It was like he was trying to make some sort of statement to the other guys. Might as well have grunted “This gal mine” into the DJ’s microphone then roared and beat his cheat. What kinda foolishness??? One thing I’m noticing is that Naija guys are really possessive. Take a female friend out and feel like they own her. This is the second time I’ve been out and a Naija guy has had the nerve to lay his hands on me as a sign of being my possessor; the first time I was in the club and might as well have had a gag, handcuffs and shackles on because dude obviously thought he was my master. They definitely need a reality check. Until I have an engagement ring on my finger the only people that can lay claim to me are my parents, God and myself. Simples.

Anyhoo. So after this incident I kept my distance from this manic-dancer dude. But then he genuinely apologised and said he didn’t mean anything by it, so being the amazingly kind person I am I forgave and forget. Anyhoo I made him make up for it by giving me lifts to a few places. My NYSC friends couldn’t stop laughing. Kept calling him this word that I cant quite remember but I’m sure it had something to do with him being my Bitch. Lol and at that time, I think he actually was. If it was me, unless I was trying to woo the person I wouldn’t care enough to be giving them a lift, however he claimed he didn’t like me like that and since I was getting free lifts and wasn’t giving anything back then what the heck? ! A week or so later dude begged me to be his valentine. To be honest I wasn’t the least bit interested in being any Naija boys valentine. No valentines could ever compare to the one I spent last year with my ex, which was definitely a day to remember. But dude kept trying to convince me that valentines day wasn’t only for lovers, but friends could share it too. I told him there and then I wasn’t interested in him but he persisted, claimed that he wouldn’t be asking me if he actually had someone to be with, he merely wanted company on Vals day. So reluctantly I was like ok…. if you get me a nice gift and deliver it to my office so all my colleagues are jealous. And so he did. Unfortunately delivering the gifts in person, which kinda pissed me off because I didn’t want people to be thinking that me and this dude had a thing, couldn’t he have had it delivered? GOSH! Anyhoo, with a cheeky smile I quickly snatched the presents and ushered him out of the building. Low and behold, in a nicely decorated bag was some chocolate, wine, wine glasses and coco Chanel perfume. Mmmmm not bad considering I’m not giving him anything in exchange. As I was finishing up with work he told me to take the taxi home and he would pick me up to take me to some swanky restaurant. To be honest I actually started looking forward to it since he’d assured me he’d try to pull out all of the stops. So there I am. Waiting at home for this dude who claims that he’s still stuck at work because the mechanic hadn’t returned with his bike. YAAAAWN. I knew that once it had passed 7pm and he was still saying the same thing, this swanky restaurant deal was not going to happen. If I had genuinely liked him I would have been distraught, but since he was giving and I was just getting I was disappointed but not really upset. I had the presents, all I wanted was the fancy food, then I could go to sleep a real G ;), but instead I was forced to sleep through the rest of my vals alone 😦 oh well.

After that I didn’t want to talk to dude again. I mean, he went through the hassle of convincing me and then for some lame reason or another he couldn’t turn up on time? WOTEVA MAN. What really pissed me off was how the arrogant old man just couldn’t seem to see past his ego at why I would be annoyed in the first place. Making statements like ‘you’re not my girlfriend’, ‘I only asked you because I had no one else’ blah blah blah. All of this ish I knew anyway. But the matter of fact is, I didn’t wna spend vals day with him, he went out of his way to convince me, thus if you’d made that commitment to someone and made them to expect something when before they weren’t expecting anything, aren’t you obligated to try as hard as you can to fulfil this commitment that YOU forced upon me and made? But nooooo dude tried to make me out as a jealous wife who had been abandoned by her hubby! and kept saying because we were just friends he wasn’t obligated to turn up in the first place. The words egotistical, self-centred, vaginal-wart-faced man come to mind! ahhhh he gets on my nerves. So after that we stopped talking for a while…..until I needed a ride. hehehehehehe

So rapidly I mended the friendship and a few rides later he offers to make me feel better after being quite ill, by taking me to dinner. That was cool, until we both ordered our food and he insisted that he needed to make a phone call to this girl he has been trying to woo. To be honest, dude is almost 30 so I was more than encouraging, trying to give his arrogant ass some advice on this girl. I didn’t mind him calling her, naturally assuming that he would have had enough manners to talk to her a short while and then tell her he’ll call her back later because he was with a friend. But I was way too kind to assume good of his character, because dude strutted off out of the restaurant and 2 hours later with the phone still pressed against his ear he returned, sat in the chair and continued to talk in front of me for 10 more minutes. By the time he finally got off the phone I was in shock, paralysed by a combination of fury and complete and utter outrage! For the first hour I kept myself company by bbm messaging frantically so I didn’t look like a complete loner. But after an hour passed I started to look suspicious. I had finished my food and his was on the opposite side of the table completely cold. I’m sure the waitresses were strolling past wondering whether dude had up and left and I was now stranded with the bill. I was thinking exactly the same thing! I had seen it happen in Nigerian movies but never did I think it could happen to me. The only thing flashing through my mind was the image of how they stripped the guy because he couldn’t pay the bill! God forbid that would ever happen to me! could it? Ahhhhh the thought alone filled me with crazy anxiety. I phoned him several times and he didn’t pick up, after a while I was gaining the courage to ask the waitress if she could direct me to the ATM so that I could pay the bill and up and leave. Mere seconds later he strutted in. All proud and broad shouldered, rolling his eyes as if she’d just told him a funny joke. I was trembling with annoyance. Can you believe that rather than an apology, the first thing that came out of this dudes mouth was a giggly ‘Bim, how far now?’ I felt to slap the smirk off his dirty face. What’s worse is that I couldn’t communicate my anger by ranting and screaming because my throat was sore and I was losing my voice . I simply said “I cant believe you would do that. You obviously have no respect for me”. In response that cheeky MTF had the nerve to go on about how I’m always overreacting, how women say one thing and mean another since I’m the one that said he could make the call. Before my vision turned blood red I ran to the car and blocked my mind from the world, just concentrating on my breathing. Since that day I haven’t seen that self-centred ass-licker again! neither do I plan on doing so.

On a lighter note…. not all Naija men are all that bad. There’s one in particular that has gained my confidence and we’ve become best of friends. Even if he likes me like so many others have been whispering in my ear, he acts gentleman enough to control his feelings and cares for me like a great friend would. Taking me out every now and then, checking up on me when I’m sick etc. Have a feeling we’re gonna be friends for a long long long time. However guys at my workplace have been hounding him because he spends too much time with me and is apparently blocking them. Hahahahahaha how amusing! regardless of whether he was there or not they would have no chance so maybe it’s best he stays just to protect their egos because if they happen to get past that obstacle I wont hesitate to put them on the WALL OF SHAME, WALL OF SHAME!